Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Just an off day

My oldest son just made great strides to go back to school.
However, I am just not feeling it today.
It's been raining all day. One of my MWDAS ho-horts passed away. I am falling behind on my knitting.
I miss my other kids and my husband. They come back on Friday. I think I can make it.
Tomorrow, I go to town. Day one of partner workout. I hope it is THE thing.
Other's have it worse. I just have my pitty party for now.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

When will I learn?

When I think my father can't do more to hurt me... he does.
There was a grave site service for my brother. Mom and I were not invited. How rude to not invite the man's sister and mother!!
I am done

Friday, May 28, 2010

Memorial Weekend

I miss my brother. We were not close. In fact I think he hated me.
What I mourn right now is the time we no longer have to rebuild a relationship.
He forgave me before he died. I forgave him. I still hurt.
I can't go to the cemetary this weekend. Even if I could make it, I don't think I would be welcomed.
How do I make things right? Should I? I have been trying for years. Will they be more open now that he is gone?
I love you Rob. You did a lot for the country and I know we are all greatful. I miss you a lot. I will think of you a lot this weekend.
You are my hero.

Monday, April 12, 2010

C25K Day One

It rained today. We have dirt roads out here and running wouldn't be a joy. I have put it off until tomorrow.
I don't know if I am looking forward to it, but, I need to start.
I guess I am looking forward to the person I hope to become.
Here's to new beginnings...

PS to the post below

If anyone read the post below, I am sorry, I can't continue.
I know that a blog is supposed to talk about everything going on in ones life, but there are some things I just wont expose to the world wide web.
To do the teal deer thing... in one week I lost my brother and my dad.
My dad didn't die, but he and his wife made it very clear I was not to be a part of their family.
I don't mourn for that. I mourn for the time I no longer have to rebuild the relationship we could have had with my brother. I mourn for his wife and kids. I mourn for my mother who lost her only son.
Thanks for reading it.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

There are no words

But I will try.
January 12th, my brother, Rob, came home on leave from Afghanistan to his family in New York. On January 15th, while at a party, Rob collapsed. It was determined while he was in the hospital in New York that he suffered a stroke. He used to be a paratrooper, yeah, he jumped out of perfectly good airplanes, until he broke his leg a few times. Separate times. "They" think that clot that caused the stroke came loose from the breaks.
Rob was transferred to Walter Reed and while he was there they found that he had cancer. Further tests showed that it was stage 4 pancreatic cancer with liver and spleen involvement.
They moved him to Mankato, our hometown to be closer to family and friends. The goal was to fatten him up and make him stronger so he could have chemo. He lost 50-60 pounds while he was overseas.
After a few weeks of being in the Mankato hospital, he was moved to a swing bed facility at the Waseca hospital. He was there barely a week when he another stroke. One that incapacitated him. His breathing was down to two breaths a minute and his heart rate was at 70. That was when he was put on hospice care or palliative care.
On February 21st the nurses decided to get him up for a shower (the man couldn't sit up by himself, I just don't know how they were going to give him a shower) and his heart gave out. that's the time line. Now here come the touchy feely part.
I went down to Mankato when my mother went because she wouldn't be able to handle it alone. She wasn't allowed to be in New York with her son. I KNOW! Why? I don't know why his wife told her not to come. So, she was finally able to see him when he came to Mankato. We got there on Feb. 7th, my birthday. When we got there, we could tell we were not welcome, but we wanted to help out in anyway we could. It was hard to see him the way he was. He couldn't get comfortable. He wasn't given enough pain meds, that's for sure. When he was moved to Waseca, I took mom home. Her depression was so bad that she just couldn't keep up with her cleaning, something I know WAY to much about. She was also battling some alcohol abuse and health problems with no insurance. So while I cleaned her house (including fixing some leaks in the plumbing. Oh yeah, I am that good.) I also found her some free health care and very low cost counseling.
We had planned on going to visit Rob on the next Thursday but we got a call on Wednesday by the social worker, telling us that we need to come and see him right away. He had been declining some before the big stroke that doomed him right before we got the call.
I packed up everything, I had planned on going home that Friday anyway, and made the reservations at one of the local hotels.
The trip there was uneventful but when we got to the hospital, it was more of the same. We were treated like we were unwelcome.
More later. My damn fingernails are too long to type more.