A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.' She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!' 'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK......my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party'.

42 Longs Free Pattern

Tennis balls in tube socks, a boob tube, over the shoulder boulders or knockers... You can call them by any name, except an ordinary scarf.


This was my entry to the boob contest that was held by the Oddball group on Ravelry.com.


Many of us have some version of these, the kind where you need to roll them up to fit them in.


If you don't... Taa Daa! Taa Taas!

These are great for "Over the Hill" parties, bachelor parties or for any occasion where an extra pair of tits would be good.


This is my first attempt at writing a pattern so please let me know if I have goofed things up.




What you will need:

• Less than 50 grams of any worsted weight yarn for the ends (Color A)
• 100 grams of any worsted weight yarn (Color B)
• 5 DPNs for knitting worsted weight yarn (DPNA) (I used #8)
• 5 DPNs one or two sizes bigger than the (DPNA), these would be (DPNB) (I used #10)
• Crochet hook or tapestry needle
• Two tennis balls (or other rounded weighted items for the ends)
• Stitch marker

Gague is not important. Adjust needle size for weight of yarn. Length of scarf... 42 inches of course!


On DPNA, using ColorA, c/o 4

Make 1 inch of I-cord.

Row 1-*K1, M1* till end of row.

Place evenly on 4 DPNs. Place stitch marker and join.

Round 1-*K1, M1, K1* till stitch marker

Round 2- *K2, M1, K1* till stitch marker

Continue to M1 before the last knit sts until there are 6 stitches on each needle.

Purl one row.
Knit one row

Tuck in Time!

Use the needle or crochet hook, whatever is most comfortable for you, to thread the tail of the I-cord into the base, where the I-cord ends and the knitting begins. Adjust to length of nipple you would like. Secure.

Ok, back to the DPNs



ColorB:


Round 1- K
Round 2- *k5, m1, k1* till marker
Round 3- *k6, m1, k1* till marker
Round 4- *k7, m1, k1* till marker
Round 5 through 8- k
Round 9- *k7, k2tog* till marker
Round 10- *k6, k2tog* till marker
Round 11 and 12- k



Switch to DPNB


Knit the body of the scarf.
Add both tennis balls. Work them down to completed end.
Switch to smaller needles (DPNA) when the body of the scarf is long enough.



Round 1 and 2- k
Round 3- *k6, m1, k1* till marker
Round 4- *k7, m1, k1* till marker
Round 5 to 8- k
Round 9- *k7, k2tog* till marker
Round 10- *k6, k2tog* till marker
Round 11- *k5, k2tog* till marker
Round 12- k





Switch to ColorA


Round 1- k
Round 2- p
Round 3- *k4, k2tog* till marker
Round 4- *k3, k2tog* till marker
Round 5- *k2, k2tog* till marker
Round 6- *k1, k2tog* till marker
Round 7- *k2tog*



Transfer stitches onto one needle


Make 1 inch of I-cord


BO leaving 1-1 1/2 inches of tail.


Use tapestry needle or crochet hook to pull end into base of I-cord and secure.

Move tennis ball into just finished end.

Preen

The trees is green, the grass is riz, I wonder where our warm weather is?

Blurg!
It's allergy season for me. Not for anyone in the house... just me.
"M0000000000mmmmmm! Would you please make me a sammich?" "Honey? Would you please wash my work clothes before you go to bed?"
Can't they see that my face is about to explode?
I HAVE to get on the mend soon. My cleaning schedule CAN'T be thrown off track. I have to have the house 90% clean for my mother's visit on the 1st.
I also need to get to the garden and pull winter weeds, add the compost and till the heck out of it. I get my jug of worm juice! The 'maters will be poppin!
Oooohhh darn it. I forgot to call the dog trainers. Callie hasn't been there enough times, 1 and a half out of 7... I need to see if she can be a part of the next session.
Our foster daughter has moved out of the house unexpectedly. It still stings. I had great hopes for her but she chose the easier in the short run/ harder in the long, path.
Felting projects are going well. I gave away the pink and black spittoon and I am going to remold the black and gold thinger. I still have the gold #2 and two of the mountain cups to go too. I like the "pre" look of the smaller one, the one I did a little crochet at the top to add a peak.
Amanda has yet to tell me what flavor of baby she is waiting for so I can't start the blanket that I soooooo want to start! Of course I could start it in green or purple, but of course, I don't have those colors! We can't afford another trip to any store that carries yarn for another month. I have several skeins of pink so cross your fingers for a girl!
I think I went to far on the socks. I might need to frog a bit so I can start the decrease.
We got all the stuff for the pump, however I can't find the stupid manuals! I have no bloody idea where I put them! She is supposed to get it hooked up on Friday and if I can't find them... we might have to postpone it again!
I have been pumping out..."Wash"cloths. None of those bad bad bad "D" words here.
I will post pictures soon. I need to work on Big Boy's graduation invites.

It went through!

Kaylen's insulin pump will be here May 6th! Woo Hoo!
Life will be soooooo much easier!
That is all....

Just not feelin' the luv

You know that warm fuzzy feeling when you are in love? I feel as far from it as one can get. All because of the weather.
Here is a live web camera view of the canal to the Aerial Lift Bridge.
http://www.earthcam.com/usa/minnesota/duluth/ Today, the winds are high and there is a snow/rain mix forcast for tonight.

My husband (Kent) went for an interview with Charter, a cable TV, phone and Internet company. He was offered the job! The pay is great! What's not so great... he will be self employed. We pay our own taxes, pay for our own insurance, use our own vehicle and pay for liability insurance, just in case he drills too many holes in a house. With the kind of pay he will receive, all will not be a problem.
HOWEVER~ My daughter, Kay has diabetes. It's a preexisting condition. If we can insure her, it will not be cheap.
The other problem~ Kent has to train for 2 weeks. Unpaid. Then it would be 3 weeks without a paycheck after that. When he does get paid, it will be every week. He was told that most of the guys that work now are earning 5-6K a month! What a step up from what he is paid now.
PLUS~ We have 2 months to buy our house. That means that we have to find 20K in that time for the down payment.
I am muddled.
I have been on the phone and web all day trying to find solutions to everything.
I will try and write something pithy tomorrow. Until then, enjoy a very cold picture of Lake Superior.

It's a new day in my neighborhood

My days are filled with everything and nothing at all.
The world spins and things happen and here I sit. I am unable to almost anything right now. What a way to start a blog, huh? If you have wandered here, you are a glutton for punishment. Hopefully soon I can learn how to do this better and add more content.
Today is doggy day. Callie, our 8 month old beagle has to go to the vet for her boosters. She is supposed to go to puppy class tonight but with her on her 3rd week of heat, she can't go.
I have to call my youngest son's dentist and get the bad news that they will not take him for the surgery that he needs. I am very forgetful. I don't know why. Opinions are that it's because the ADD inattentive or the depression... even old age! Never the less, I forgot to pay the bill from his last visit. Now we need to find a dentist that is even half as good as that one. Kob needs his little toofers worked on.
I am still pretty upset by the vandalism of my bird bath. Why do people think that doing things like that are ok?
I am missing Aunt Kay (Kay Cheever) more than usual today. I was reading the SDknitters on Ravelry today. I miss the old house and the smell. Not just of old house but of yarn and clay. Who knew that my house would strive to smell like that?! More and more of her traits are showing up in this house. My knitting and love of yarn, my desire to work with clay, the garden and houseplants and of course, my Kay's diabetes.
Speaking of, I am so happy that our insurance will cover 80% of the cost of her pump, however, that other 20% is a lot more than we can handle. I guess I need a job!

Accomplishments today:

• Shower, dress and teeth.
• Breakfast and meds.
• Rent check written and in the mail.
• Get out of the house.
• Vet and class visit.
• Hang laundry on the line.
• Get at least one inch done on knitting.
• Fold clean clothes.
• Put away the rest of the village.
• Figure out how to make a resume and how to put the skills I have into business lingo.